Why Is It So Hard to Feel Okay with Mixed Emotions?

A Therapist’s Take on Shame, Self-Worth, and What the Temperance Tarot Card Can Teach Us About Holding Both

Dialectical thinking is the yes, and.
It’s being able to hold two opposing truths at once and accept that they both exist — that they don’t cancel each other out, they just are.

And honestly? That’s really hard for most of us.

We want a clean answer. We want to know who was right. We want to feel justified. We want relief from the discomfort of complexity.
But that’s not how the world works. That’s not how we work.

What Is Dialectical Thinking?

Dialectical thinking helps you stop swinging between extremes — between I’m the problem and they’re the worst, or everything is fine and everything is falling apart.

It’s a practice (and it really is a practice) of acknowledging that two things can be true at the same time — even if they feel like they contradict each other.

I can feel hurt and still understand where they’re coming from.
I can be grateful and feel burned out.
I can love someone and need space.

Dialectical thinking isn’t the same as spiritual bypassing or toxic positivity. It doesn’t ask you to "look on the bright side" or hand things over to the universe and call it a day. It’s not passive. It’s active acceptance.

Why It’s So Hard

Most people come so close to dialectical thinking — they can almost hold both truths — but get stuck because they over-identify with one side or use the other side to second-guess themselves.

Like:

“I’m upset, but maybe I’m overreacting.”
“I need this boundary, but they probably didn’t mean to hurt me.”

It becomes a tug-of-war instead of a soft place to land.
Why? Because we’ve been taught that validating another truth undermines our own.

But it doesn’t.
It actually strengthens our ability to see ourselves and others clearly — without collapsing into shame, blame, or perfectionism.

Where It Shows Up Most

I see black-and-white thinking the most when it comes to self-worth — especially in relationships.

A client might say:

“I know I have a right to be upset, but I also know where they were coming from, so now I just feel guilty.”

That guilt? It usually comes from the belief that there has to be a right person and a wrong person. But that binary thinking is often the biggest threat to connection. It reduces our capacity for bonding, for repair, for seeing people as whole.

I also see this in high-performing folks — maybe you recognize this in yourself — who feel like everything needs to be done perfectly or it doesn’t count.
I feel this when I deep clean my bathroom and suddenly think: “Now I have to deep clean the entire apartment.” And until it’s all done, I can’t fully enjoy it.

But the truth is:

I can feel at peace even if everything isn’t done.
I can be proud of cleaning one space without finishing the rest.
I can rest before everything is perfect.

Presence makes it harder for all-or-nothing thinking to take over. Because when you connect with the moment, you realize: this is enough. I am enough.

What the Temperance Card Teaches Us

The Temperance card in tarot is one of my favorite ways to visualize dialectical thinking.
It shows an angel with one foot on solid ground and the other in flowing water — grounded and emotional. Fluid andsteady.
She pours water back and forth between two cups — integration, not either/or.

The imagery in this card reflects what it means to live in balance. To trust that opposites can coexist. To pause long enough to respond, not just react.

Temperance represents moderation, healing, and reconciliation.
When you’re in a shame spiral, she doesn't say, “Get over it.” She says, “Step outside of yourself for a moment. Look at both sides. Show yourself compassion. Accept the full truth.”

It’s gentle. It’s wise. It’s honest.
And it’s hard.

How to Start Practicing Dialectical Thinking

This doesn’t require you to become some hyper-regulated spiritual guru. It can start in the smallest ways.

Here’s one:
Next time you’re watching a TV show, practice holding both truths about a character.

• Pick a character you don’t like. Ask: Why do they act that way? What’s the full story?

• Pick one you do like. Ask: What are their flaws? Where do those come from?

And just notice:
Seeing those things doesn’t make them less likable or more evil — it just makes them human.

Then try bringing that same practice into your own life:

• What are the full truths in this conflict?

• What part of me am I scared to look at?

• Can I accept that needing rest doesn’t mean I’m lazy?

• Can I accept that setting boundaries doesn’t make me selfish?

A Final Thought

Dialectical thinking won’t make the discomfort disappear.
It will, however, give you the strength to stay with the discomfort — and build a relationship with your shadow side instead of rejecting it.

You don’t have to have it all figured out.
You just have to start noticing where you’ve been trying to pick one truth, when both might deserve to be heard.

Want to Go Deeper?

If you're craving more support in untangling your thoughts, making space for complexity, and finding peace in the gray — I’d love to help.
🪞Reach out for a free consultation to see if therapy might be a good fit.

Not ready for that step? That’s okay too.
📓 Check out my upcoming journal, No Answers Necessary — a gentle space for self-reflection, without the pressure to fix or perform.
✨ Sign up for my mailing list to get updates when it drops.

💌 Or start with something small and grounding:
Grab my free Values-Informed Dating Worksheet — and get added to the list for occasional, thoughtful emails and updates (no spam, ever).

📚 Or explore more on the blog — I write about self-worth, emotional regulation, therapy myths, and the quiet things we carry.
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